Iqra’i

The LHC has been switched on, and the universe does not appear to have been destroyed. (Check here for periodic updates.) Our subjective experience of existence continues. However, this doesn’t prove anything: we have no way of knowing that this universe is the same one we started in. The LHC may have weakened the barriers between parallel universes, transporting us from one to the next without warning.

So how can you tell? We at Iqra’i, with our extensive scientific experience, are here to help, with 10 Ways To Tell If You’ve Been Transported To An Alternate Universe.

1. Do previously clean-shaven acquaintances suddenly sport goatees? (Caution: some may have grown goatees since the last time you saw them. Consult a calendar.)
2. Has the international situation changed significantly? This may be as obvious as a newspaper article about the USSR, but watch for subtler clues: a reference to Austria-Hungary, Mercia, or the Republic of Vermont may also indicate a shift in universe. (A reference to the Republic of Alaska may not.)
3. Are you surrounded by the ravaged hulks of once-proud buildings? You may have been transported to a post-apocalyptic world ravaged by cyberpunk bandits.
4. Are you greeted by a significant other you never knew you had? (Caution: consider how much you drank last night.)
5. Have you sprouted a three-foot-long beard? Be aware that this may be related to Rip Van Winkle Syndrome. Check for signs of morning breath, American independence, and ninepins-related sports injuries before proceeding. If female, get your hormone levels checked.
6. Do strangers defer to you in unexpected ways? If so, you may have been sent to the parallel reality where you are king. Make yourself at home.
7. Has technology changed significantly? For instance, do you see flying cars or horse-drawn carriages? (Note to John McCain: Google doesn’t count.)
8. Do nationally prominent figures suddenly occupy radically different roles? Is Maureen Dowd co-hosting a talk-show with Oprah?
9. Have your country’s politics shifted? For instance, is there an oppressive government no one seems to mind? Alternately, is there an oppressive government people do seem to mind?
10. Is there a Large Hadron Collider?

If you experience some or all of these symptoms, consult your nearest quantum mechanic.